Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I Am Dexter Yellow

For those who are not aware, DEXTER is a Showtime TV series about a mass murderer and his life and his world.

I am a Dexter. No, I have not killed anyone at least not illegally. Nor do I care to kill anyone, I do not think about killing or ever really consider it. But aside from that I think like a Dexter. Calculating, hiding my true feelings or lack of them from others as I interact socially from day to day. I am always weighing a conversation with an outsider’s observation. What is expected from me, how am I supposed to react? I am often in sync with others and their emotions, but more often than not I am baffled by their strict adherence to smug speculations, mistaken conclusions, poor assumptions and over all alien reactions to day-to-day life. I know that just because every other object is green but for one single yellow entity does not necessarily make that yellow one wrong, but in a green world yellow does present itself as uniquely different, a reality to be questioned and held in suspicion. I see myself as that altered perception. I hold no startling truth or doctrine to justify my difference, in that I am as lost and prone to mistaken assumption as anyone. But I acutely recognize my vulnerability to conjecture and admit at least to myself that I am very apt to be wrong especially when not all information is presented to a specific conclusion leaving me wrought with doubt when others walk about comfortable in their acceptance of substantive postulation without the benefit of actual fact. I sometimes feel like a polarized negative snapshot of humanity. Where most stand in unison with faith, I have doubts, and yet where the rest of the world seems positioned firm in denial I find resolution. I don’t think of myself as superior, nor am I without feeling, but I seem to often have the wrong emotion available for specific situations where others seem to flow smoothly with the accepted reaction or decision at the time. My decision making process is a bit different. I recognize my own feelings, hold them in check and continue analyzing the immediate environment to catch a whiff of how others are conducting themselves then and only then do I attempt to blend in with herd mentality. It is often an uncomfortable life, being yellow.


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sue said...

I love Dexter... in any color. ;)

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sue said...

You really need to clean up your spam... oh, and write more here. What was this grief you were giving Mellow Chaos about not updating? Hrm??? :)